Entering my mid 30’s now and having worked hard for years being able to rebuild my life again. Achieving what I wanted and where I want to be in life with the women of my dreams, I look back at a time which for me personally I had so many unanswered questions and a lot of mixed feelings and not knowing.
Dear younger self,
As I look back at you now there are so many things that I could tell you know and you would just look at me like some mad man. I wouldn’t blame you, I still do the same today from time to time. You are full of energy I know your not the most popular kid in school and I know you didn’t get off to a great start. You know what, don’t be afraid of being you embrace it, what you don’t know is that all your friends in school right now feel the same way just like you, they’re scared too but they won’t tell you that ( our little secret ). You do ok, though make it through and you become quite the star on the sports field.
Life at home is good, but deep inside I know you’re hurting and you feel something is missing and you don’t feel complete. Take it from me this is normal, You don’t know how to express it or how to put into words what you want to say. If there is one thing that I have learnt is to express yourself, the people you feel afraid to speak to are just like you, they hurt, feel pain and let me tell you they love you more than you know. I don’t think that the love ever changes but circumstances do, but don’t worry I’m here for you when you reach that part of your life I’ll guide you through.
Now you will notice that dad isn’t around much and I wish I could tell you that this is normal, in some ways it is but you are too young to understand is what people will tell you. As a result, you are quite a shy character, but that’s ok that’s what make you who you are. From time to time, you will hear its because your father figure wasn’t around but let me tell you that’s stupid. You don’t need to be anything because of someone or something. The thought of him will fill you with emotion and feelings that you can’t explain. You don’t know where they come from but all you know is that they are genuine and true. Everything will feel complete and you are happy but too scared to show it because you don’t know how. Its ok, they can see it in your eyes, you will spend time with him and talk and laugh and if your lucky enough you might get a little treat but don’t get your hopes up too much.
Soon it will come the time for him to leave, but you don’t want it to end everything is complete right, it feels right. You start to feel a sadness creeping in but you keep a brave face on, keep smiling hoping that no one will notice. Between you and me they don’t your pretty good at that. It’s time….he leaves, don’t worry he will be back your not quite sure when but he will. I can tell you it varies each time and it starts to get easier but with time. When no one is looking, you go upstairs to hide that you’re sad and you look out of the bedroom window, watching as he leaves and gets in the car and eventually drives away. Now what your feeling no one can take away from you, all the questions you have inside you, does he not want me? does he not love me? why do you have to leave? why can’t you stay forever?. I won’t lie to you, its hard and you will cry from time to time, but you hide it from everyone because boys don’t cry right.
Now fear not you will learn to deal with it much better as time goes by but a lot of questions remain unanswered, your 10 now and in your eyes your not a little kid anymore. You can handle anything now, take it from me slow your role kiddo, take your time there is now race to see who can grow up first. You will eventually ask all the questions that you have had locked inside you for so long. Please don’t be disheartened by the answers that you get, you will get told things like ‘You’re too young still to understand’, ‘Now is not the time to tell you’ and that when the time is right you will know. You don’t actually get the answers that you are looking for other than he left and he’s not here. That’s enough right now and you do just fine, you will live your life being happy and loved. Oh and another secret between you and me you will be the fastest short distance runner in the school, but don’t tell anyone I told you that.
My advice to you kid is be happy, don’t be afraid of the unknown and the uncertainty that is around us. Get involved even if it means taking risks and it going wrong sometimes.
The rose that grew from concrete – 2 pac
That’s 2 pac one the greatest hip-hop artists of all time, you wouldn’t have heard of him yet but you will and when you do, oh boy you gonna love it and let me tell you why, because you can relate to so much of what he talks about and find meaning and peace in it. You’re the rose and the concrete part is maybe dad not being around and not knowing why but life’s ok. It’s like I say to many of my friends now, I wake up every morning, I’m healthy and I have my family, what more do we need in life take that with you and I promise you your gonna be just fine.
Until the day we meet and our paths cross at the same point I’m with you always.
Your older self.